I have read a lot about hangovers. Not when going through one…nothing like that. My time in social gatherings is spent sipping from a small bottle of Frutifly syrup I carry around. It somehow never gets empty due to this revolution in technology in America where they intravenously keep sending fluid to the bottle every time I almost finish it. My reading up on hangovers was more out of curiosity…and the need to whip out several “Did you know” facts during conversation so I can look zany, well-read, well-travelled and an ideal mate.

I have seen a number of friends wear sunglasses, speak on top of their voices and eat everything in sight due to hangovers. Or so they claim. I know different (Insert wicked snigger). Because of the immense compassion in my bosom (Do guys have bosoms? I would Google it if my search did not keep a history of everything I have ever typed into it, including “Can kangaroos walk backwards?” and “Can you make your hair grow by using Omo, cooking oil and egg yolk?”)

So for all those experiencing a hangover right now (since chances are you are reading this on a Sunday morning, bright and not-so-early), here are some remedies gathered from the medics who were willing to speak to me during my research:

Meat
Because of all the fermented plants you consumed last night, your body is entirely infested with all tribes of plant excrete. To combat this in a strong way, you need to gorge all kinds of meat. Meat will fight everything that the barley and hops are doing in your body. The medics I spoke to were 50-50 on whether beef and pork were good…however, they all agreed that possum meat is unrivalled in curing hangovers.

Exercise
This one I did not get from the medics as they had gone off to do everything but twiddle their thumbs. It is still a good remedy. You need to drop the newspaper, throw on some heavy jewellery, pick up something heavy-like the dishwasher, or the microwave, or the TV, strap it onto your back, squeeze into some skin-tight stuff, slip into some sneakers then head out the house. Jog around the neighbourhood for thirty two minutes or more, all the while singing anti-war songs and making faces at anyone who looks at you funny.

In this column, we have covered before how some sayings are no longer applicable today. We looked at the oft-used “A bird in hand is worth two in the bush”. We tore the saying to bits using all kinds of references; foreign and local, those from the past and others from the future…we even referred to ancient writings scribbled on scrolls made out of a papyrus/Sim Sim paste mix believed to have been made by scantily-clad, travelled Ugandans ages ago. We left no stone unturned to bring justice to that saying.

In our travels today, our gallant take on the Queen’s language has us poking at yet another saying of hers. Since it is her language then surely the sayings are hers. Someone’s paid top-dollar to sit in the Queen’s chambers and record her sayings. One gets to spend their days lying next to the queen (not “next to” like rubbing elbows, “next to” like within ear shot. The first “next to” is unheard of. She is the queen you know. Be ashamed of your thoughts)

We will use the same analytical approach that has proved to be wildly popular among the frenzied crowds that throng stalls to buy the paper to read this column. The analytical approach is un-named at the point of writing this but since it is clearly popular, we will not bother going through the motions of defiling it by trying to pin a label to it. Who dares to name a popular research method? Only a bozo.

So, the phrase being torn apart today is “A wolf in sheep’s skin”. How did it come to be? Well, long ago, long before your granddaddy run after an antelope in search of breakfast, animals used to celebrate Halloween. It was a big day in kingdom animalia, with all the animals dressing up as other animals and strutting around asking for candy. Naturally, candy in animal speak means something else. All Google searches for “Candy in animal speak” returned “Justin Bieber is a Party Animal”. I kid you not. No pun there even.

One fine Halloween night, a sheep called Baba prepositioned another sheep called Black sheep. A few seconds later, Baba was arrested. The court proceedings later revealed that the sheep he prepositioned was actually a wolf! (Pregnant pause). The serial killer wolf was going around maiming sheep by dressing as one. CSI Miami stuff. And,so the phrase was born.

Have you ever been consumed by an over-whelming desire to pick up your computer and hurl it at a fast-moving train? Of course you have. Everyone has. Slow computers irritate all of us.

The only things stopping you from doing it are the facts that you would have to travel a very big distance (and wait a few days) to find a train and when you eventually do, it would be moving slow enough for you to type out an email to a friend in Hong Kong, think about hitting send, re-consider, choose to use snail mail, walk to the post office, write a letter, send it and then wait for a response at the post office. When you finally get a response from your friend, the train would have reached the computer you intended for it to murder.

According to research done by a world-leading research company that was set-up at the same time as Apple, 90 per cent of computer users around the world feel the urge to crush their machines with their bare hands. 3 per cent would rather use their pens. Three per cent would want to use their fork at lunch time. The other four per cent are still looking for the ON button.

As a side note, the research company mentioned above was setup by Sloppy Jobs, older brother to Jobs, the one who founded Apple. Sloppy was not too good a businessman and his research findings were discredited by many research firms.

So, back to the angst-inspiring computer you spend many a waking day at, what do you do when this urge hits? Do you pick up the phone and call the guy from I.T? Is he not out for lunch?
As another side note, leading research from the same company mentioned above shows that I.T personnel are at lunch 76 per cent of their working day. The company goes on to detail what I.T personnel have for lunch but there is not enough space to go into that.

So when having trouble with your machine and the guy from I.T is out, what do you do? The answer to all your computer problems is simple…wait, we have run out of space and we cannot exactly use that strip that David Tumusiime uses for Taxi tales up there; he has another tale today it turns out. We dive deeper into your computer issue next week.

We often muse about what our destiny is. Thousands of research papers, none of which I have read while writing this, suggest that we all have a particular purpose on this earth and that the most successful people in life have found that purpose. What is your purpose dear reader? (Pregnant pause) Does this thought ever hit you while you are jumping off a boda boda, one foot already halfway over that “leather” seat? Or does it cause you to shiver while you shove down half chips, half rice, half byenda? More so, does the thought nag you while you read an article on urbanlegendkampala.com? If the thought has never occurred to you, probably because your brain is constantly doing leisurely back flips from all the reality TV you have been watching, this column is here to make it all better. To help you discover your calling. We will do this using a method first discovered by Litmus Freud, a great philosopher and purpose-in-life finder who lived several light years ago. He discovered his purpose was to be a cross-dressing puppet master and he went on to become one of the greatest that ever lived. He also wrote several books about his experiences but no one read them because his purpose was never to be a writer. Onwards, onwards. On to discovering your purpose. Answer these questions as truthfully as you would a doctor’s pre-operation test.

Do you find that you are repulsed by water? Does the sound of water trickling cause you to spasm without end? Do you utter all kind of foul things for no reason? Do you think you are the only smart person around and everyone is dumb and just doesn’t get you? Do you feel alive and charged when on the road, zig-zagging through potholes at break-neck speed? Does the phrase ‘break-neck speed’ not mean anything to you? Do you think that lice are lovable creatures that have been treaded on, beaten, mistreated and generally not given a chance to live long, fulfilling lives basking in the sun as God intended? Do you go out of your way to harbour said lice because of the aforementioned feelings? Do you have no idea what urbanlegendkampala.com is? Congratulations dear reader, if your answer to any or all of the questions above is yes then your calling in life is to be a boda boda rider. Or a taxi conductor. The two are joint callings.

This piece is for the young reader spending nights awake wishing they were more grown up. This wish could stem from the fact that they have no wisdom teeth and as such cannot appreciate tearing away at chunky bits of roast goat the way daddy and mummy do. The wish could also be because grown-ups get to drive around in cars.

And stay up all night in bars drinking errr…water, watching sports and thumping their chests together whenever something exciting happens on the screen.

This column is young reader sensitive. PG 05. And as with all PG columns worldwide, the aim is to keep things balanced. Give both sides of the story if you will. Young reader, this writer brings you the other side of growing up. Take one big slurp and put down the rest of your cereal. Hit pause on that Justin Bieber track causing vibrations in that room of yours. Stuff is about to get real up in here. Growing up does come with a bit of baggage. See here:

Dressing up

Young reader, you have the luxury of having to wear the same purple gab to school every day. Uniforms are a thing of beauty. Grown-ups generally don’t have those things.
That means they have to wake up and wade through heaps of second-hand clothes to choose what to don. This decision-making process drains the brain; it is what people call “brain drain”. The result is that grown-ups are grumpy the entire day.

Feeding self

This is particularly for the much younger reader. The one reading this while drooling on it. Reader, enjoy this time of your life where mummy feeds you. It will not always be this way. You will grow up and have to start feeding yourself. This will come with life-changing decisions like “Chips chicken or Sim Sim balls and Safi? Chapati and byenda or molokoni and posho?”. These decisions will affect the general course of your day since while at your work station, or in the field sweating it out, trying to beat a deadline, the mental picture you’ll be fighting to drown the most will be one of steaming food.

The thriving, robust economy is to blame for all the new buildings that are reaching for the sky. With high-rising buildings come lifts. At least most times. A friend of mine told me she was off to a meeting on the ninth floor of a building without a lift. I haven’t heard from her since then (that was a week ago) so she’s either still climbing the stairs or she set-up camp halfway to the top and is waiting for sunset to continue the journey. For those of you who go to buildings with functional lifts, here is lift etiquette picked from a website about lift etiquette.

Umm, not too close
If you walk into a lift with one person in it, resist the urge to walk and stand so close to them that they can tell what you had for supper three nights ago.

Phone
It is generally acceptable to beam a courteous ‘Hello’ to whoever’s in the lift then whip out your phone and make like you are searching for Batman’s number to report a broken pipe on a leading highway that poses a risk to global security since it can be used by Joker or one of his cronies to pummel an unsuspecting policeman to pulp. Or you could just play snake (for you with the shabby phone) or angry birds(for you with the smart phone).

Singing
It is considered treason if you break out into song and sing one that is not by a local musician. Support local artistes my friend; you don’t pay to go to their concerts, at least sing their songs in the lift. This holds only for lifts that don’t play music…which is all lifts basically.

Your thoughts
It is generally frowned-upon to start voicing your thoughts when there are others in a lift. This especially holds for thoughts like:“Oh damn, I shouldn’t have worn the lime green pair with polka dots. Now I’m all itchy”. “I should have worn a diaper today…several meetings today; would hate to get up and leave”

Mirror
We all know you cast sideways glances at yourself in the lift’s mirror surfaces. Do not walk into a full lift and shove people aside to check yourself out in those mirror surfaces.