I have read a lot about hangovers. Not when going through one…nothing like that. My time in social gatherings is spent sipping from a small bottle of Frutifly syrup I carry around. It somehow never gets empty due to this revolution in technology in America where they intravenously keep sending fluid to the bottle every time I almost finish it. My reading up on hangovers was more out of curiosity…and the need to whip out several “Did you know” facts during conversation so I can look zany, well-read, well-travelled and an ideal mate.

I have seen a number of friends wear sunglasses, speak on top of their voices and eat everything in sight due to hangovers. Or so they claim. I know different (Insert wicked snigger). Because of the immense compassion in my bosom (Do guys have bosoms? I would Google it if my search did not keep a history of everything I have ever typed into it, including “Can kangaroos walk backwards?” and “Can you make your hair grow by using Omo, cooking oil and egg yolk?”)

So for all those experiencing a hangover right now (since chances are you are reading this on a Sunday morning, bright and not-so-early), here are some remedies gathered from the medics who were willing to speak to me during my research:

Because of all the fermented plants you consumed last night, your body is entirely infested with all tribes of plant excrete. To combat this in a strong way, you need to gorge all kinds of meat. Meat will fight everything that the barley and hops are doing in your body. The medics I spoke to were 50-50 on whether beef and pork were good…however, they all agreed that possum meat is unrivalled in curing hangovers.

This one I did not get from the medics as they had gone off to do everything but twiddle their thumbs. It is still a good remedy. You need to drop the newspaper, throw on some heavy jewellery, pick up something heavy-like the dishwasher, or the microwave, or the TV, strap it onto your back, squeeze into some skin-tight stuff, slip into some sneakers then head out the house. Jog around the neighbourhood for thirty two minutes or more, all the while singing anti-war songs and making faces at anyone who looks at you funny.

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