I’ve never been a boss at a work place. The palm reader I went to said I’d be boss in a few years so it won’t be long now; “Boss Peter, coming to a workplace near you”. I imagine it is very hard being a boss. When do you allow employees to go to pee? When do you tell them to sit down and act their age? When do you pull out the scissors and go around snipping the hair of all those employees with the hairy look going on? When do you decide to ask your employees to buy you birthday presents for the third time in the same month? When do you impose a no-lunch ban? All these questions I’m sure trouble bosses around the world every single day. I don’t have the answers; I’ll do more research when I eventually become a boss. For now, I’ll give tips on what I have managed to squeeze out of my manager friends. How do you choose which one of your employees to give a raise? Here’s what to base on.

In meetings, does any offer you a pen when you search and realize you didn’t carry one?

When they see you yawn at work, does any quickly bring over a cup of tea with a packet of milk biscuits and one cupcake?

When it starts to rain outside, does any come to your office and offer to hug you till it stops? Granted, as the boss you are required by law to turn down the offer and give them the stink eye, but brownie points to them (and a subsequent raise) for making the offer?

When you have very important clients in your office, does your employee walk in and subtly drop praises on your head about how you are the best boss in the world and how they wonder if the sun would shine if you broke a fingernail while signing oil contracts?

Does any of them send you greetings on radio? Do they say your full name? Do they dedicate Celine Dione songs to you on air?

Does any of your employees buy you a soft-haired puppy with soulful eyes to comfort your soul whenever a hot new intern leaves?

Among the people under your employ, does any of them suddenly start to dance and signal “See boss, see me!” when you walk into office?

If any of your employees displays any of the above glorious competencies, that person is fit for an immediate raise, a pat on the back and a year’s supply of branded company pancakes.

Published on November 27, 2011

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