A few weeks back, a minister declared that the mafia were out to have him sacked. As a fearless writer, I immediately reached for my overcoat and a magnifying glass and headed out to “the field” to gather all kinds of information about this clandestine criminal gang. It’s not the first time that these Mafioso are mentioned; back in 2006, the then vice president spoke of them, alleging they were going about investigating his wealth.

The mafia have since been mentioned a number of times in one conversation or another. On all occasions that they’ve made it into the newspapers, the image that comes to mind is of burly individuals smoking cigars and with big, gold rings on their pinky fingers. This image is uncomfortable for everyone. How can we as a nation, who are free-spirited at heart, enjoy every day with mafia breathing down our necks? We need to unearth this scum so that they can be prosecuted and put away. Their ring needs to be busted, like in the movies, and the mafia lords brought to their fat knees (without the gunfire that movies associate with these arrests). In an effort to contribute to this national effort to bring these men to justice, I’ll share information leading to their arrest. I’ve decided against going ahead with investigations in the field; I’ve put the magnifying glass down and will proceed to make informed speculations based very loosely on a few movies I’ve watched on the subject.

They wear brightly-colored suits. Purple, yellow, pink and colors invented to dumbfound men – aquamarine, beige, turquoise and the like.

You hit me, we hit you

They hold walking sticks and walk with a characteristic limp, one an uniformed person would describe as similar to that of a dog with an injured leg

They love cigars but because they are Ugandan (that’s the mafia, not the cigars), they smoke sportsman instead

They wear knock-off shades and fake moustaches that slide off often

Every evening, they cluster around a big table with their huge families and have spaghetti and mukene

They communicate with each other in a potent mix of Swahili, Italian and a few local languages

They sleep with one eye open, switching which eye’s open in four-hour intervals

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