At the rate our MPs are making headlines, we ought to have a newspaper dedicated to reporting only about them. You know that things aren’t ok when your beloved leader isn’t getting as much space on the front page as your MPs. The MP confidential – bringing you MP news every day. What did your MP have for dinner? Why is he asleep in parliament? Why is her contribution to the debate totally unrelated to the topic of discussion? Why doesn’t his suit fit? Why does he duck when he sees some guys who claim he owes them money? Is she honestly defending that proposal? Is she really kneeling to make a point? Does he know the microphone is on or are we listening to what should be his private musings?

Actually, a newspaper may not be enough; we might need an entire series – the MP. We’d start it off very dramatically with the star delivering a passionate speech about rule of law and how the current debate on the floor goes against everything that Benedicto Kiwanuka and all our political forefathers fought for. We’d have close-ups to show a vein popping on his neck with every word, sweat collecting on his brow and his moustache shaking violently, as though seized by some need to make a point of its own. The series, episode by episode, would go on to explore political mafia, loan sharks, learning how to use iPads, tailors who sell ill-fitting suits, and constituents who present the most interesting needs. We’d tastefully cram this into season one and end with a twist I can’t reveal here. Season two would then be entirely about the campaign race – drawing the manifesto, calculated distribution of sugar, salt, soap and mobile money. We’d cover the MPs late nights and early mornings and the tension that arises from this nomadic lifestyle. We’d look at the strain our MP is under – personal, emotional, and financial. You’d see your MP in a light those humour and satire writers don’t show.

That series and newspaper aside, our MP this time was in papers for demanding for a 40% pay rise. One of the major reasons fronted for the increment is the high cost of covering different costs on behalf of their constituents. I guess that seals it; if doctors and teachers need that pay rise they’ve been asking for for a while, a good place to start is by asking constituents to take their problems to them.

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