You may be one of those people who think that they do not have cool neighbors. You silently wish for better neighbors to move in, or for the current ones to become cooler.  I am here to inform you of how good you have it. Is your neighbor good? Take this simple test and find out.


If your neighbor loves cats and she specifically instructs her cat to shit on your doorstep every other day of the week, then you have a bad neighbor. By ‘every other day’ I mean Monday, Wednesday and Friday. The rest of the days the furry creature is probably holding it in for the next day’s work. If you don’t relate with this, then your neighbor isn’t so bad.


If your neighbor is trying to get lucky with the opposite sex by going the long way about it- learning to play an instrument-then they are a bad neighbor. If they are the type who practices the said instrument after work and they also wake up at 5:00 AM to upload uncoordinated sounds out of a piano and into your bedroom, you have a bad neighbor.


If your neighbor is the type who has parties every fortnight and has several people over, these people get heavily intoxicated and regurgitate their innards on your verandah, then you have a bad neighbor. If also, you are never invited to any of these parties, you have reason to resent him/her.

Some sugar

We are all saintly souls with halos over our heads. But if your neighbor is the type that comes over to ask for ‘a spoon of sugar’ three times a week and takes the whole bowl each time, you have a bad neighbor. If on any of these occasions, they return sipping a cup of tea five minutes after walking off with the bowl and say how their tea isn’t sweet enough, they aren’t to be trusted.


If your neighbor is always trying to sell you stuff that looks like cigarettes, but doesn’t quite smell like them, you may need to move before the police comes knocking.


If your neighbors passport photo has appeared in the newspapers with words akin to “This company would like to clearly and unequivocally denounce any ties to the person whose picture appears here. He is not our employee…”, then you have a bad neighbor.


If your neighbor has been in the news for having been caught getting jiggy with livestock, you need to move.

Published on November 13, 2011

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