Several times we find ourselves waiting in line at an ATM because the person who went in before us is taking forever to get out. Much as we usually while the time away by whipping out our phone to read or by whistling the latest ballad from Drake, we are usually fighting the urge to ram through the door and find out why the person’s taking forever.

The International ATM bible this writer referred to while creating this article clearly stated that ATM use ought to take no more than two minutes. To address all the ATM-queue-induced anger going round (and do my bit in calming the nation), I present to you possible reasons for their delay:

1.They were captured by aliens and held for interrogation.
2.Their card was swallowed by the ATM machine and they are trying to fit their head into the card slot and tunnel down to wherever it went
3.They wanted to withdraw Shs1 million shillings and the ATM returned coins; they are counting those coins.
4.They actually went in to deposit money; a lot of money. They are inserting note by note into the ATM and waiting for a receipt after each insertion.
5.They carried along a picnic basket in case a bout of hunger hit them while in there…and hunger hit them. They have spread out a mat on the floor and they are slowly doing justice to pineapples and mangoes.
6.It suddenly hit them how cool MC Hammer’s dance moves were so they are practicing
7.They have called into a radio station and they are sending greetings; they will probably send greetings to all people waiting to use the ATM. Consider yourself lucky-you are going to receive greetings on radio! How exciting is that? Don’t answer that.

This writer has done over two decades under the scorching sun, smiling at strangers, helping old ladies across the street but still hasn’t received greetings on radio and yet there you are. In the queue. Going to receive greetings. On radio. Just like that

8.They are on a top-secret mission with Scooby Doo, investigating an ATM scam orchestrated by Nigerians posing as actual ATM machines then running away as soon as you insert your card and type your PIN

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