Every once in a while, a warm-blooded male will find themselves thrust, by circumstances, ever so forcefully into a supermarket. The initial reaction from a well-adjusted adult male is one of panic. Must leave right now.

This is followed by a very-hard-to-control urge to run for the exit, only stopping to hurl colourful phrases at anyone who tries to impede their fast exit. If, however, the male has to stay there longer than two seconds, here are some rules that govern man-shopping worldwide.

1.No man shall be in a supermarket for more than five minutes in his best-selling book “Male Shopper extraordinaire”, celebrity Erlington Gloom elaborates, “The law of shopping as a man states that one should be in and out of the supermarket in five minutes-tops. Anything over that and you are a shoplifter. Those people lingering close enough to see your nose hair aren’t trying to help you figure out which brand of cat food is better; they are watching you and reporting your every movement to their supervisor”

2. No list; Gloom goes on to say that shopping lists are a big no-no. If a man should have one, it should have all the hallmarks of something created hurriedly and without much thought going into it-like the list being written on a napkin

3.Sections no man can be caught in;The insanely popular book spoken of in the last point goes on to say that once a boy’s voice cracks and he develops some hairs on his chin, he is banned from certain sections in a supermarket. The hair products and make-up sections, the book goes on to say, fall in this category.

If said man finds himself in a banned section, he should raise his hands above his head and walk backwards in a slow, non-aggressive manner for any shopper passing by to know that the man is sorry for his actions and he is taking literal steps to address it. For those men with pizazz, the book recommends that you moonwalk out of the banned section

4.Sections that should be visited Gloom dedicates an entire chapter in his book to sections that every man should visit. Alcohol. Gadgets. Car stuff. Gloom insists every man should visit at least one of these sections on entering a supermarket. He says that even if it’s only to stand and stare.

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