Last week, word reached us that the army was in talks with the Miss Uganda Foundation to take over the Miss Uganda beauty pageant. I’d hate to be in the Miss Uganda Foundation’s high heels; I imagine talks with the army to be largely one-sided communications on what’s going to happen next.

You probably have to reply, “Sir, yes, sir” to everything said then salute, do a 180 degree turn and walk out, stiff-backed, using the same door you walked in. You are probably not served tea in these talks.

The army would like to make sure, they announced, that the winners are judged partly based on their skills in agriculture. If the army does take over, the beauty queen shouldn’t only know how to apply foundation and be at the forefront of different noble causes, she should also know how to put her weight behind a hoe and till a few acres without breaking a sweat.


If you know someone who hopes to be crowned Miss Uganda, dear reader, for the judges of the pageant to dig her, she should know how to dig too. Good thing is she now has a heads-up; a few days of focused work can get her ready.

She might need to do her practice in a less bourgeois neighborhood than her current abode in Ntinda; cement generally fights back when a hoe is swung at it. She could try looking for brown patches further out of town.

That’s step one. To get her ready for glory, there are a few other things she needs to check and see whether she’s ready to get the crown.

Can she dismantle and reassemble a gun faster than all the other contestants? To get ahead of all those other young ladies vying for the crown, watching a few Chuck Norris movies would put her miles ahead.

Does she know how to goose march?
Can she tell the difference between Agrocytrin, Agrothoate and Kocide just by sniffing? Let her start doing her homework
Is she able to, just by feeling, tell the difference between peas and green grams?

At the time of writing this, we aren’t sure whether on winning the pageant, she will be crowned or handed a gun and an assignment.

We also aren’t sure whether, in addition to the swimsuit edition, there’ll be an army fatigues edition to see who dons combat gear, complete with a few magazines strapped over their shoulder, best.

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