As the big, all-powerful being that runs an even bigger, more powerful company, you spend nights awake thinking deep thoughts on things us mere cassava-eating mortals cannot begin to appreciate.

If even half your thoughts run through our minds that don’t run big, powerful companies, we’d fall on the ground and convulse and ask you to take your thoughts back.

Running a company is the kind of stuff that requires years of deep-sea diving, jogging and several cups of porridge to expand your brain to the level needed to carry such a heavy load. Think of it as brain-building exercises. Before you start a company, you need to a few of the following exercises to make sure your brain grows to the level needed for the task at hand.

Watch chess games
Regularly sit and watch entire chess games. You may need a big supply of popcorn or whatever it is that people who watch chess games eat. My research didn’t unearth it.

Watch Ussain Bolt races
The man can run. It would have helped if he was British; we would have Bolt cereal, underwear, toothpaste, tissue, car tyres and we wouldn’t take two breaths without hearing the man’s name being chanted. Foreign aid would be tied to nations bowing down and chanting “Bolt is the greatest ever”. J.K Rowling would write yet another book and add a wizard named Harry Bolt whose spell is running round you so fast, you get dizzy.

I digress. Watch Ussain Bolt races; this will make your brain work faster. If you somehow fail to see the man get to the finish line, then your brain is too slow and you aren’t cut out to run a company.

Drink lots of fresh juice
Research by people who do research has shown that drinking lots of juice makes the brain grow and when the brain grows, you’ll be able to think big thoughts without getting a headache. Peel any fruit you can get your hands on and squeeze all the juice out of it. Drink that juice. Don’t add alcoholic beverages to it. Sing from mountain-tops about the goodness of fresh juice. Bask in the warm feeling in your chest. Skip.

These are a few of the tips that the biggest minds running the biggest companies in the world use.

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