Last week, we all gasped in disbelief when we heard that Kenya’s President’s car had sneaked out of Kenya with the aid of some uncouth individuals. The vehicle sauntered across the border and was found parting, popping Uganda waragi bottles and living it large in Uganda.

All requests for an interview with it were turned down, perhaps because its inebriated state wouldn’t let it string together anything coherent. I was bitter about losing so much money in getting someone who speaks fluent car to conduct the interview only for the aides to violently turn us down.

We were turned down so violently, at one moment in the phone call we were yelling in Luganda and the aides on the other end were hurling huge Swahili pop sounds at us- it’s a wonder that the phone line managed to faithfully carry everything across.

Since they won’t let us hear it from the car’s mouth, we’ve decided to compile a list of possible reasons it chose to make the huge leap across the border; we all know that, “Once you go Ugandan, it can’t be undone”. The car crossed:
To learn Luganda
It was afraid of being hijacked
It wanted to bond with the owners of Migingo
It didn’t know Sheng
As an MP, it didn’t want to be grilled anymore
It wanted a Ugandan woman
It wanted its debt to be cleared by President Museveni
When it grew up, it wanted its number plate to begin with U
It had a thing for matooke
It wanted to be counted in the census
As a star long distance runner, it was training. It run the entire journey and had plans to run back
It wanted women to kneel for it

It wanted to teach Ugandans how to run long distances
It heard that Museveni was giving out #sacksofmoney
It thought taxis were still on strike so it could make a quick buck transporting people
It wanted to work less and live a slower life
It wanted to stand for President in 2016
It wanted to start a side business and use company resources for it
The cold was driving its tyres nuts
It hoped to join the Miss Uganda beauty contest and be judged by army men
It wanted to use boda boda
It wanted to fall asleep in parliament.

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