The world comes home this time of year. For you who’s just returned from abroad, you find that a lot has changed. Your friends have gotten married. Isaac, who couldn’t say two words without cursing, now goes entire days without getting creative with expletives. Musisi has shaken up the city.

Your little brother’s voice has broken. Quite a bit has changed. This columnist is here to help you transition smoothly into our small bubble.

Boda bodas still ride like they’ll get brownie points for how many hits they can inflict on their bikes. They still whizz through traffic like they are auditioning for Mission Impossible 17-the one that will be shot in Uganda. Steer clear of them. Drive slowly and deliberately. Don’t let your eyes waver on the road-a boda can come like a thief in the night. Stay alert.

Be mindful of your security. We are a loving, hospitable people but it’s generally been a gruelling year financially. Imagine with me how stretched people are this time of year. Christmas meat has to be bought at all costs. If there is anything you can do to avoid being the source of hooded-villain’s Christmas meat, do it.
The potholes are still here. They are not using family planning, so it has been a particularly productive year for them. Do not drive as fast as us though-we know where all of them are so we will turn at the last instant. You on the other hand may not have enough time to see the sneaky pothole and drive round it.
Do not drink and drive. The alcohol here is still potent-that has not changed. We also had a spate of arrests for drink-driving.
We will say to you “Long time!” and “You are lost” to mean “Hey, I have not seen you in ages. How are you?” Take it in your stride. Now would be a good time to use your accent to explain, using words like ‘expedite’, ‘expunge’ and ‘inundate’, that you haven’t been in the country.

You could also mention how dusty the country is and how bad the roads are. For good measure, you could say “Pardon?” after every few sentences we say to you. You now understand our accent after all.

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