I am late to the party this time; like that guy who shows up when the MC’s inviting the lovely couple to give their speech at the wedding. He even missed the cake! This information though is of such importance to the nation that it still tastes good even as mawolu – kind of like lumonde.

Mbale is a town known for a number of things, such as having the imposing Mount Elgon lurking in its background. About a 4 hours’ drive from Kampala, we’ve never known it to be a difficult place to get to. Hop onto the bus, fall asleep, get off bus. Or jump into car, stop when afande stops you, proceed, stop in Mbale. Nothing too complex. All this changed this week, following some interesting developments in our political environment that have since made the town hard to access. In an effort to help you still be able to get there, here are some practical tips on how to go about it:

First, Mbale isn’t a place you go to without an agenda. Set an agenda. It could be to consult. It could be to stop someone from consulting. It could be to oppose a presidential bid. Whatever the case, have a clear agenda.

Next, announce that agenda. Make it known to everyone with a (digital) TV set or a stable internet connection that you are going to Mbale on a certain day to do (insert your agenda). As a rule, expect objections – Mbale isn’t a place you go to without some resistance.

Next, to put those objecting in their place, get a huge, huge team of lawyers. If possible, get the country’s entire lawyer population on your payroll. If the ones in the country aren’t enough, get some from our neighbors. It is acts like this that foster good regional relationships. Have the lawyers breakdown to the haters why they are wrong for opposing your visit. Since they are so many, make sure their work doesn’t overlap – maybe by apportioning sections in the constitution they should each concentrate on. I joke.

Jokes aside, ensure there’s a welcoming committee in place, ready to you know, welcome you on arrival. They can meet and discuss what food to give you on arrival; (hint hint malewa)

Lastly, they say a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. In your case, the journey of 760 kilometers begins and ends in a few steps. I’m unhappy to be the one to tell you that you won’t make it there. The welcoming committee will probably have to eat the malewa after all.

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