The African Cup of Nations, the one we cried about last year, is currently going on. Without us. The nerve of those people.  But you may be one of those people who do not know so much about soccer. You watch people running around and wonder what’s going on. Your friends generally avoid you when going to watch games because you’ll be that person asking “Is that Bill Clinton in shirt number five?”

This has to end. You can’t be that person anymore. It is time you learnt how to play amazing soccer. For one, you’ll become famous. Also, you’ll earn a lot of money. Follow these tips and you’ll become a soccer star in no time. I’d want to take a bit of the credit whenever those fast-speaking show hosts shove microphones in your face and ask you how you became such a star. This column is for everyone, so even you young lady can become a soccer star by following the tips below.


From the time you read that word above, start to hurl your feet at everything in sight. Soccer is about footwork so your feet have to be constantly at work. “What your eyes see, foot kicks”


The greatest soccer stars have all shown the highest levels of resilience ever seen in humans. So wake up every morning and jog to town and back. This tip applies even to you young lady. And it doesn’t matter where you live; the further away from town, the better a soccer player you’ll be eventually. If you live in Seeta for example, you’ll blossom into a Messi. If you live at Constitutional Square, you may never get past playing for the soccer team of your parish. Move house.


An integral part of playing soccer is celebrating goals because let’s face it, you probably won’t become a great soccer star by standing on pitch and looking pretty; you’ll have to score goals. When you eventually score, you have to celebrate. To train for this, show-up at different night spots in town at least three nights a week and party hard. Shout. Scream. Dance on tables (this will strengthen your calf muscles).

Do these for now. We’ll cover more as AFCON progresses.

Published on  February 5, 2012

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