This column always explores ways to make you a better citizen. We have spoken at length about the effects walking has on the environment; we have encouraged you to tiptoe instead. We also presented research from a top research institution showing how bad it is to speak audibly.

The decibels produced, especially when speaking nonsense, have an adverse effect on the audio-sensory system of pink whales. We all love pink wales. The weight of pink wales counterbalances the pull of gravity; without them, the earth and would be drawn to the sun for a hug and we’d all die from the resulting heat.

Did you just see that hidden double-entendree thing? That is because it is a hug. There’s heat. But it’s the sun. So there is heat. Double entendree. Ok. So today we give you more tips on how to be an amazing public speaker. Note the ‘L’ after the ‘B’ in the word ‘public’; without it I would be facing a long time in jail for something or the other. English is frail like that. How to be an amazing public speaker:

Tone to use
There is the tone that Samuel L. Jackson uses when he is just about to send a few lead pellets into a bad guy’s system. Then there is the tone that Batman uses when he is ordering for a burger. The tone you should use when giving a speech is a pregnant mix of both.

Walk onto the stage like the floor is made of cotton candy and you are being pursued by a pack of rabid tigers.

Much as a speech is about what you say, people are visual creatures. Care what you wear. That even rhymes. Write it down and recite it every day. For your speech to be memorable, you need to wear something red. This is the secret behind that thin red tie all US presidents wear when addressing the nation about important matters.

This is not to say that sometimes they address the nation about un-important matters. I’m also not suggesting that it is the same red tie, left behind when the president leaves office. It is a possibility but I’m not even suggesting it.

Go be a great public speaker.

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