The dons at the leading tertiary institution in our beloved country are on strike; they want their pay increased. Our benevolent leader shared tried and tested wisdom with them; he said that if they want more money, they should go and rear goats. Any columnist around the world would jump at an opportunity like this to write a good story. A story that’ll bring you, dear reader, to tears after you read it. You’d have a huge lump in your throat for days and spontaneously break out into muffled sobs on hearing the word ‘goat’ or ‘don’. You’d switch from listening to that new song by artist-from-America and start listening to war songs by artist-from-Jamaica. You’d stop watching comedies and switch to movies where the star dies a few minutes in. This may not be that story. This is one with practical tips on goat rearing; we, all of us, love to keep it practical here.

Goats don’t like meat or chicken or fish. Such sad lives I tell you. They like grass. If they had profiles on Facebook and ‘Grass’ was a page, they’d like it. Expose them to as much grass as possible.

Crossing roads
For reasons a top research team in Katwe is still looking into, goats love crossing roads. They usually do this with their kids.

Goats give birth to children every so often. Their children, like ours, are called kids. Theirs, however, like ‘Three Billy goats gruff’, a story about how a goat triumphed over a mean troll that lived under a bridge. (As an aside, that story was written by a Don of a university abroad). Ours, our kids that is, like Ben Ten, a story about a child with superpowers that triumphs over evil I suppose. Read them the billy goats gruff story

Reading habits
They have none. No need buying them books.

Drinking habits
They drink water before, during or after eating the grass we mentioned above. There are no cases on record of a goat drinking alcohol or using any substances with aforethought.

Unlike many of us, goats are mean exercise machines. If left to their own devices, they really walk up a stink.

We’ll reveal more tips in time.

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