Every so often, there you are seated, trying to find ways to justify the money you are going to be paid at the end of the month by resisting the urge to upload your most recent singing-in-the-shower video to YouTube when suddenly, someone comes in and interrupts your national calling and gives you some trivial information. “Did you know that Jeremy, the one who sits in the corner and seems to care for rodents in his free time, did you know that he is actually a professional cat fight referee?”. You pause. Punching useful digits into an excel sheet will have to wait after-all.

When such information hits you, do you, like the rest of mankind entering digits into excel sheets, attempt to guess how many “did you knows” are going around about you? It is time to control these things being said about you. It is time to feed the rumor mill.  A few suggestions about a few things you could let them mill about

Let them know you are tough; tell them you are a don

Casually mention it to Jimmy at lunch that you have an underground empire of obedient minions running your seedy not-too-legal businesses. To make this believable, have the waiter come over, prostrate, approach and kiss your pinky ring, put a small note on your table and stand and wait. Pick up the note, read it and then say to him “Oh yes Dennis, it’s ok, you have permission to go ease yourself”


Let them know you are enterprising; tell them you organize mud wrestling

While standing by the water cooler waiting for your cup to fill, nonchalantly mention it to Amina that you secretly have a very lucrative female mud-wrestling league you run after-hours and that you are currently recruiting.  Offer her flyers

Instill fear; tell them why you can’t be fired

In the lift, mention to anyone in it how you are unnerved by the fact that strange things always happen to anyone who tries to fire you. Speak of how the first person had a skiing accident in which their nail polish got badly scratched. Another one’s cat dropped dead while it was watching re-runs of ‘The Jeffersons’. Point out that you fear what would happen if anyone else tried to fire you


 Published on Sunday March 18, 2012

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