Head teachers in western Uganda are troubled people. Over the last few months, a number of student strikes have broken out in the schools they run. These have resulted in losses to the schools. Egos have also taken a hit in the process. In their wisdom, the head teachers have requested that the police give them guns to better handle any other strikes that may arise.

I think they were motivated by that age-old Persian proverb, “A gun-wielding head teacher with veins popping out of his forehead and with a thin film of sweat on his brow, shouting himself hoarse, spewing out cliché after cliché (Education is the key. Attitude determines your altitude. Discipline makes unicorns fly) is more convincing than one without a gun.”

The goal is probably to fight fires being started by the students with actual fire.

Their request is not strange in our over-gunned beloved country. When landslides hit the eastern part of the country a few years ago; our head of state showed up with a gun to commiserate with the mourners and maybe shoot the sorrow.

Every security guard on every corner has a gun. You cannot take five steps without seeing an AK47 casually flung over someone’s shoulder.

With so much artillery around, how have you prepared yourself? Here are some tips gathered from watching movies.

Learn to dive
Diving quick and fast is an essential survival skill. It looks easy in movies only because those people are doing it for the hundredth time; not all the dives pleased the Director so he cut and made them do it again. Get ahead by practicing in your compound, at home or beside your desk at work. There’s that thing Neo did in the matrix; don’t try that one. It is bad for your back.

Don’t start fights
You can always tell when a fight is about to break out; the two guys usually shove each other back and forth while sizing each other up. We always know that the main actor will walk out unscathed by all the blows he’s been handed and dodge all the bullets sent his way. When shoved, wince, let out a loud wail and run out whimpering. No gunfire will ensue.

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