If you have gulped in more than three breaths of “fresh” air in Kampala, then you have definitely used a boda boda before. If you are still trying to calculate how many breaths you have taken then let us, for argument’s sake, assume that they are more than three. If you have no doubt that you have taken more than three breaths and you still haven’t been on a boda boda before, then run for the hills-peril will befall you even before you are done reading this column. For those still reading, I will assume you have either been on one before or you spilled coffee on the part where I spelled all kinds of doom for you.

Boda boda guys ride very badly. The temptation to paint images of just how badly they ride is very overwhelming, but I know that you dear reader, are well-read and as such have been exposed to all kinds of descriptions of just how bad these men are. Shakespeare described their riding as “…the scumeth from whence doom spilleth…”. There is clearly no topping that.

From the first time we picked up that Peter and Jane storybook, (which for some happened on Campus), we have been shown just how bad these men are. They have been around since the earth was created, facilitating doom and all kinds of mayhem. The big bad wolf who blew the houses of the three little pigs into oblivion-how did he get from one house to the other so fast? You guessed it…on a boda boda. The other wolf that made an odd offer to Little Red Riding Hood, how did he get to her granny’s house so fast? You are a genius-you guessed it again! On a boda boda.

For kingdoms that didn’t have carrier pigeons or men gifted with extra lungs to run and deliver a message, how did they transport their intentions to invade or post-invasion “Sorry we beat you so hard” messages? Using boda bodas. The bikes have been here, carefully holding the thread-bare fabric of society together and slowly morphing into what we see today; stone-eyed, blood-thirsty individuals with a bone to pick with everyone. If space allowed, we would go into how this evolution occurred…but I have a word limit. And this last sentence here has helped me hit it.

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