Our beloved leader recently sent word out that the National Agricultural Advisory Service (NAADS) be given marching orders and be replaced with the strong men and women we usually turn to, to keep the peace during elections-the army.

Our leader didn’t send the word on Twitter so he had enough characters to expound; he added that the army men had demonstrated exceptional delivery of services to its beneficiaries and would therefore be expanded to take on what NAADS had failed to do.

NAADS was initially primarily supposed to lead in the transformation of the nation’s agriculture from a subsistence to a commercial level. Naturally, this switch hasn’t been well-received. What does the army know about Agriculture you ask? Let’s see.


Ours is an army that is acquainted with the bush. During the time in the bush, the army spent a lot of time with vegetation. This delicate knowledge of camouflage conifers, bright bougainvillea and hide-here mivule makes the fighter an ideal candidate for the job. No other individuals have slept on, eaten, lit-up, covered-self-with plants like fighters have.

Waiting to grow
Also, given how hard things are right now, we cannot afford to let plants take their time growing up. We need food. We need more exports; we cannot let plants hold us hostage as they take their time coming into maturity. We need strong men and women who will scare that puny flora into adulthood faster.

We cannot leave this task to farmers; they will pamper the plants with pesticide, fertilisers and a lot of frivolous stuff. The plants in return take months and even years growing up. We cannot afford that. Soldiers know how to coerce supernatural feats out of people; they can do the same for plants.

This bold move by our leader also affects you. The move says he is watching. It says that if you prove yourself efficient and exceptional in delivery of services, you could get moved to another section in the country.

If you are an exceptional accountant and you think no one’s noticing, take heart-you might be moved to replace a doctor somewhere. If you are an efficient teacher, it’s only a matter of time before you are moved to replace an architect somewhere. The key thing is to keep delivering efficient services.

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