This column is entirely about making you a well-rounded being. This means covering your appearance, your accent, stopping you from picking your nose, letting you in on what your workmates/classmates are saying behind your back and also giving you some vital skills. Today, like we’ve done before, we go into furthering your culinary skills. Your colleagues shouldn’t only be wowed when you say “Hey guys and girls, I know a sure-fire way that the SOPA and PIPA debacles can be resolved. Also, the Iran stand-off can be dealt with by…” They should also be wowed when you say “Listen-up guys and girls, I know I don’t look the part but I know how to prepare Espanooza Brugeli Mantozzo. I learnt by reading ‘By The Way’ in Sunday Monitor”.
Since that cat’s already out of the bag, it won’t hurt to re-iterate what we are going to learn how to prepare today. Espanooza Brugeli Mantozzo. As the name suggests, yes, it contains chicken. That name also hints that there should be mushrooms involved. To bring the chicken to tenderness (in culinary terms because strictly speaking, what are the chances that you’ll find an emotionally tender chicken?), it is essential that you chase it. Chase the chicken; past the flower garden, out the gate, through Mzee Kakulu’s elephant grass, back into your fence, past the kennel, past the kids stealing guavas, past the food on the sigiri, till it tires and surrenders. Because the dish we are preparing contains mushrooms, it is essential that the chicken you’ve been chasing surrenders in a mushroom garden. If it doesn’t, let it go. Go chase another chicken.
- Tender chicken that surrendered in a mushroom garden
- 2 shots of Gilbeys
- Chicken captured (as detailed in the run-up above), pluck its feathers, cut it open and remove all the parts that we don’t eat. Then cut it into generous pieces
- Warm some oil and when it starts to stink-up the house, drop the chicken pieces in it together with several mushrooms, three tablespoons of salt, one whole onion, two whole tomatoes and a touch of vinegar.
- Wait till the chicken turns alpha golden brown then remove it.
- The shots of Gilbeys were for you. Drink them
Nutritional Information (Amount Per Serving): Calories: Enough to make you a kick-boxer | Cholesterol: A lot
Published on January 22, 2012
Many times you may find yourself alone at home with raw food staring sullenly at you. This sad situation is not helped by the fact that all the recipes out there are written for people who know what ‘spread dressing mixture evenly over each half’, ‘broil until lightly brown’ and ‘bake for 25 to 30 minutes in the preheated oven, until brownies set up. Do not over bake!’ mean. Do not over bake indeed. Very helpful. Today is your lucky day. I reveal easy-to-follow, full-proof ways to turn that raw food into a yummy meal that will have your friends and foes sing your praises till you ask them to take a break. Today, we’ll start small. We’ll make Crunchy cheddar Egg Beronganaise.
- 2 eggs
- Beronganaise cheese
- Get the egg and shake it vigorously. This should ensure the demise of any un-hatched cretin swimming about in there
- Hit the side of the egg with a fork to crack it open
- Pour the gooey insides into a fairly clean bowl. If you do have a clean one, use that one instead
- Beat the gooey stuff with a fork, spoon, knife, clean stick, remote control, ladle, old empty beer bottle, full beer bottle or whatever is nearest to you
- Bring the onions and cut them up using something sharp and resistant to tears. A knife comes highly recommended, a nail cutter comes in close second
- Hurl the onions into the gooey mixture and beat the newly weds
- Get some oil and put it in a (clean) saucepan. A frying pan would serve the purpose better if you have one. Put this on a source of heat. Stove, cooker, cigarettes, candle, tadooba, any will do the job
- When the oil starts to stink-up the kitchen/bedroom/sitting-room/wherever-it-is-you-are-cooking-from, carefully pour the beaten gooey stuff into it
- Marvel at your work. Answer your ringing phone. Tell the person on the other end that you are in the middle of something very important and that you will call them back.
- Stir the mixture. You may have noticed that we haven’t used the salt and Beronganaise cheese yet. Throw them into the pan. Stir with everything in you, till you feel muscle spasms begin to build
- Serve yourself and eat
Nutritional Information (Amount Per Serving): Calories: Enough to enable you push your car to a petrol station alone | Total Fat: Enough to keep you warm every night | Cholesterol: Not enough to give you a heart attack
Next time we’ll look at how to make ‘Spicy tea with spices’, a delicacy in Alaska.
Published on Sunday September 18, 2011