Not so long ago, in a land where the sun never sets and money grows on trees that there is so much and the powers that be choose to send some abroad to buy expensive gadgets for people who do not use them. Here, the average man’s major problem is whether his MP is reading the latest proposed Bill off paper or on an iPad. We got wind on the need to have more information on how to use an iPad. These tips come when MPs seem to be struggling to use the device but it is merely coincidental and these tips aren’t targeted at them at all.

1.Switch it on
You will know it is on when it glows – not the glow of a torch, more like the quiet, unassuming one of a low Watt bulb.
2.Swipe with your finger
No buttons. I know, deplorable. You need to move your finger across the screen to do anything. Pressing buttons on your phone after spending so much time at a PC keyboard causes immense stress. The swipe motion addresses this. Imagine you are a conductor (of a choir, not a taxi) – the hand movements you would use there are similar to the ones you need here

3.Download and install
Get Whatsapp – it is this thing that allows you to send SMS using the Internet. The other person sends you a reply SMS instantly. If they do not, you can see when they were last online so you know that they are merely ignoring you. The golden “don’t drink and sms” rule applies to Whatsapp too.
4.Like your phone, do not wash it.

5.Some iPads take SIM cards, others don’t. The latter are meant to only communicate using Wi-Fi. In a country like ours, using an all Wi-Fi device might present a few challenges since coverage is limited. There are workarounds though, like spending all your days at Javas

6. If it is well wiped, you can use it as a mirror.
7.Show it off, we need to see it
Use every opportunity to whip it out; it is so big that having it lying idly in your hand only wears your body down fast. Read your speech from it. Toast by asking fellow MPs to raise their iPads (not their glasses). When making a point, whip it out to show off an image to bring the point home.

I know, I’m late to the bashing-MPs-for-getting-iPads party. Now that I’m here, where are the drinks? I’d like a seat too. All the bashing out of the way, do you know why your MP needs an iPad? Read on.

Better dress sense
The glossy images our beloved leaders are going to be exposed to with these devices will no doubt edge them out of some ill-fitting suits.

Improved attendance
Before plenary sessions, our selfless leaders will charge them at home then come to Parliament to make good use of the Yaka Units invested.

Death to poor English
Bad English will go out of the door. One cannot be exposed to all that text on the internet and not be hugely impacted. Big words will become commonplace in the corridors of power.

Immense patriotism
The internet is awash with images of posh countries and the things they are doing to get better. These images will bring tears to the eyes of our leaders and they will rush back to Parliament to stay awake and contribute powerful ideas.

Knowledge
They will read more. Talk in the corridors won’t be about custody battles for children but GDP, GNP and all those abbreviations that powerful people use.

Electricity
iPads need juice; charging them (seeing as MPs will use theirs A LOT, they will charge them much more than your average Kasibante Kalyesubula). This translates into more revenue for our nation.

Pressure groups
Our beloved leaders will take pictures of potholes and display them while agitating for an allowance for a car. Better cars on the road and no potholes – double win!

Selfies
A selfie is a photo taken of yourself by yourself. With iPads, our leaders can take several selfies. These have several uses; for one, if a leader gets arrested, there’s no need for mugshots. The police will use the selfies

Whatsapp
MPs can get and install this. Their constituents, can monitor their ‘last seen online’ time and know who is working and who isn’t.
Obviously, it is a sign of development.

This time of year, your oratory skills are put to test. Graduation ceremonies are the source of many sleepless nights in your neighborhood. You aren’t bothered though because yours is one of them. You’ve dreaded the day you’d have to stand before several people and say more than your name from the time you tried to seek votes in secondary school.

When the time came to stand on the tree stump that served as a podium, your ever-present brain chose to go see what the chief cook was preparing for lunch. Don’t worry though, here’s a graduation speech for you.
Thank God. It hasn’t been an easy ride but you scraped through to the Promised Land. All those ayiyiyiyis from your relatives from outside districts are for you

Thank the engineers at Microsoft for the amazing copy – paste function they brilliantly conceived so many years ago. Without it, you wouldn’t be standing before us, your eyes watery, your throat dry and your legs wobbly.
Thank Jemimah who always reminded you the night before course work was due so you could put that copy-paste function to good use. Thank Timothy, who let you sit next to him during exams and tests.

Thank the different social establishments around the city for allowing you to frequent them. They might be the reason you needed Timothy’s help but they helped you maintain your ‘cool’ label which you are going to use to get you a job. Thank Thomas too. His faithful vehicle wasn’t initially created to carry 13 people but it faithfully buckled up and carried you and your crew to said establishments every other weekend.

Thank Mama Dorcus for providing culinary delights every day. She stepped in where Hall lunch failed.
Thank Jimmy, down at the photocopier. He enabled you to read notes written in a crisp handwriting; you didn’t have to suffer through your own notes-the ones written like you were fighting

Thank Sam for all the latest movies and series he braved the computer lab cold to download. Without him, you’d have had to go to EddieSoft. You’d also not have been able to participate so excitedly in all those conversations about series

Thank your parents and or guardians. Thank your other friends.
Tell us you are now ready to take on the world. Tell us how you know there’s work to be done in our country and you are ready to brave it out. For God and your country