Monthly Archives: November 2013

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For you who has just returned

The world comes home this time of year. For you who’s just returned from abroad, you find that a lot has changed. Your friends have gotten married. Isaac, who couldn’t say two words without cursing, now goes entire days without getting creative with expletives. Musisi has shaken up the city.

Your little brother’s voice has broken. Quite a bit has changed. This columnist is here to help you transition smoothly into our small bubble.

Boda bodas still ride like they’ll get brownie points for how many hits they can inflict on their bikes. They still whizz through traffic like they are auditioning for Mission Impossible 17-the one that will be shot in Uganda. Steer clear of them. Drive slowly and deliberately. Don’t let your eyes waver on the road-a boda can come like a thief in the night. Stay alert.

Be mindful of your security. We are a loving, hospitable people but it’s generally been a gruelling year financially. Imagine with me how stretched people are this time of year. Christmas meat has to be bought at all costs. If there is anything you can do to avoid being the source of hooded-villain’s Christmas meat, do it.
The potholes are still here. They are not using family planning, so it has been a particularly productive year for them. Do not drive as fast as us though-we know where all of them are so we will turn at the last instant. You on the other hand may not have enough time to see the sneaky pothole and drive round it.
Do not drink and drive. The alcohol here is still potent-that has not changed. We also had a spate of arrests for drink-driving.
We will say to you “Long time!” and “You are lost” to mean “Hey, I have not seen you in ages. How are you?” Take it in your stride. Now would be a good time to use your accent to explain, using words like ‘expedite’, ‘expunge’ and ‘inundate’, that you haven’t been in the country.

You could also mention how dusty the country is and how bad the roads are. For good measure, you could say “Pardon?” after every few sentences we say to you. You now understand our accent after all.

Let us create another eclipse

Last Sunday, a solar eclipse was viewable in parts of the country. You’d need heavy feet not to have been swept-up by all the hype that followed it. Talk of the eclipse crept stealthily into this country at the beginning of the year and asked if it could take a seat. “No!” we said.

“The sun, going dark? Ha, we see that everyday. Every evening actually.” Unfazed, it took a seat nonetheless and waited.
We side-eyed it and made uncomfortable grunts to signal to it that it wasn’t welcome. Some were not so subtle and they laughed at the possibility of it amounting to anything. This columnist is one of those that laughed.

A few weeks to the day, the noise from outside countries about the eclipse started to become more prominent. The people seated next to it decided, ‘’mmmh, maybe it’s not too strange after all’’ and they began to chat with it. As the days went by, the bug that initially bit just a few now started to swallow entire beings. Tour and travel companies now had ‘eclipse packages’.

It was not long before rumours of celebrities creeping into the country started to sip through the woodwork. Seeing as the sightings of the said celebrities were not forthcoming, let us choose to believe that they wore elaborate disguises.

Tom Cruise probably bought a boda boda and registered at a stage in Bwaiie. Angelina Jolie opened up Mama Jo delicacy, with an extra cook in there to stand for just how they will cook their food. Brad Pitt, too lazy to go to the lengths his buddy and wife had gone to, grew his hair and a moustache and played the part of a rich, spoilt tourist with all the dance moves from the future. You probably bumped into him a number of times in Kisementi.
We need another eclipse. If not for the dollar bills the nation will soak in, then for the chance to sit on Tom Cruise’s boda. Or for another chance to see our beloved head of state in shades – that sight is as rare as the eclipse itself.
How do we go about creating one though? This columnist doesn’t have all the ideas but Umeme, the people who make it go dark in our homes every so often, surely they can come up with something for the sun.