Monthly Archives: June 2012

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How to give customer care a black eye

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If you own a restaurant, this piece is especially for you. How do you keep your customer’s pallet wet while your staff runs off to the Nile to capture fish and chop off their fingers to prepare the fish fingers the customer pointed out on the menu? The customer is king…and  the king is hungry.  Also, the king wants chicken embrronganaise with obsidian topping. We all know making that dish involves karate-chopping a chicken on the head and plucking all its feathers off even before it hits the ground. How do you keep your customer from storming out protesting how long you’ve taken to bring what they’ve ordered? Yes, we do understand that the Chef has to wait for the chicken to collect itself before attempting the karate chop but still….the customer is hungry. Here are ways that research has proved will keep your customer happy as he/she waits:

A GUY

If your customer is a guy, his hunger will be momentarily forgotten if while he waits, a team of four to six belly-dancers show up and start to wiggle their money-making bits in and around his general perimeter. Anywhere within a five meter radius of him qualifies as ‘in and around his general perimeter’.

A GIRL

For your female customer impatiently waiting for her meal, a waiter and waitress should walk past her several times, casting each other furtive, lustful looks and referring to each other only as ‘Ricardo’ and ‘Santa Maria’. Ricardo should keep mouthing “But I can’t be with you Santa Maria, you are my cousin” to which the waitress should respond “But I love you Ricardo. I.love.you”. At this point it would be nice if the waitress dropped and broke a plate or two.

ON A DATE

If the customers waiting to be served are on a date, send a waiter over to suggest topics of conversation. He should go and stand right next to the table and keep reading out a suggested topic of conversation every ten minutes.

“Gold digging”, “Digging gold”, “Fast food”, “Why fast food? Fast water”, “Alien invasion” and “Terrorism” are usual favourites. Make sure they make your list.

By this time the meal ought to be ready. If it isn’t then the customer has every right to storm out and curse your establishment on every social media account they can create. Even MySpace. Ok not MySpace. No one’s there

How useless some sayings are

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The English language, and other languages actually, is flowered with sayings. These are things that were said by old, frail men and women years ago but at the time they were spoken, someone was present with a tape recorder. “A cat may look at a king”, “Every dog has its day”, “A stitch in time saves nine” and all the rest that were drummed into our young, perceptive brains by Mrs. Katwesigye, all those sayings were spewed out several years ago before you, dear reader, were born. Their existence is evidence that tape recorders existed eons ago seeing as some sayings seem to have been uttered at a time when dinosaurs walked freely on the earth surface. Dinosaurs now live underground and come out at night to torment politicians; this explains the mental state of many of them but that’s not today’s story. So, some of these sayings are not entirely accurate. Let’s explore:

A bird in hand is worth two in the bush

This saying was probably coined at a time when birds were used to pay for goods. Instead of money, people walked around carrying birds. More colorful birds denoted bigger currency. It is during this era that peacocks became popular…before this they were considered unsightly creatures fit only to be food for hyenas. It is during this era that peacocks experienced their re-invention; their rebirth.

One day an old man went to the market to buy some sugar (for even in those days, old men liked getting some sugar). He carried only one bird with him. On reaching the stall (which was conveniently located five miles away from his home-miles because kilometers had not been invented yet), he handed over his bird and waited for his sugar. The shop keeper studied the man carefully before breaking the news to him. He’d once told a customer bad news and he passed out. Seeing that this particular old man looked strong, he went on and told him that unfortunately, his bird couldn’t afford him sugar. The old man then remembered that he’d left  two  fine birds back in the bush at his place. That’s when it hit him; “A bird in hand is worth two in the bush”. Of course this saying is no longer useful in our day and age. We now pay with money.

 Published on Sunday June 9, 2012

How to stay awake after lunch

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As humans, we are creatures of habit. One thing we usually do at work is go for lunch. In as much as this habit deprives our employer of the one, two or three hours we spend having lunch, we still insist on doing it every day with no regard to the masked person that sends money to your bank account every month. Legend has it that some people spend days at lunch going by how many calls they pick up and say “I’m still at lunch, please call me back later”. One direct result of having lunch is  the urge to sleep after. For your employer’s sake, stay awake. Here’s how.

Jog around

Pull out your spandex from that drawer you keep your paper clips in, squeeze into it(the spandex, not the drawer. Though truth be told if you can fit in one you can fit in the other), throw on a red headband, plug earphones into your..wait, no not your nose, Allan. Into your ears. Now jog around the office chanting war songs and occasionally letting out a native Indian cry. This will ensure that you stay awake for the rest of the afternoon but also, no one will assign you tasks for fear of being tackled by you. Winning.

Drink a lot

Go and pick up the water dispenser and relocate it to right next to your desk. Keep sipping water whenever you feel drowsiness kicking in. Charge your workmates who try to use the dispenser one thousand shillings for a cup of water. This will have the double effect of setting you apart as a go-getter (since you went and got the dispenser) and also as a team player(since you charged workmates only Shs. 1,000 and not exorbitant fees like the ones charged by insert-name-here). Both these qualities are desirable in HRs eyes and be sure to mention them when you apply for a raise.

Relocate
Carry your desk and put it right next to the loos. When you finally recover from passing out due to the stench, start charging anyone going into the loo something reasonable…like Shs. 3,000 for a short call. Hand a cup to anyone who doesn’t want to pay and ask them to use that to ease themselves instead. Do not allow their pleas to weaken your resolve. Great leaders are merciless leaders. You are a great leader. Show no mercy.

Published on   Sunday, June 3  2012