Monthly Archives: May 2012

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What your dreams mean

Over the course of this weekend, you undoubtedly had dozens of dreams. Some, like the rest of us, dream while lying in bed at night. Others do it while in boardrooms, “listening” to a very important diatribe from someone very important from HR.

Others dream while in lecturer rooms, when the lecturer stops dictating and makes an initial attempt to explain the stuff he has been force-feeding you for the last two and a half hours. The more daring ones do it in Parliament, when Honorable Kadaga pauses to pat the white wig and straighten the royal garb she dons.

Back in the good old days, if you were friends with Joseph, you would summon him and he would show up and interpret the dream for you. Joseph was so famous, Kings used to call him to tell them what their dreams meant. Naturally, they did not tell him about their dreams that included giggly ladies clad in goat skin.

I have it on very good authority that ladies wore goat skin in Joseph’s days. The kings though only called him when they had dreams that didn’t have anything to do with the opposite sex. I wonder why. You wonder about it too don’t you?

Times have changed though. Joseph is long gone and he didn’t leave a phone number. Fret not. In comes this columnist to thy rescue. Picture me as your super hero sans the wanton costumes heros wear. For some odd reason, one cannot be a super hero and wear “normal” clothes; it’s always spandex and a frilly mask to cover the eyes. Picture me as a superhero with a dress sense. Today though, I will cover for Joseph and do interpretation of dreams.

Dancing midgets
If in your dream, you see yourself flying over a pack of dancing midgets, you will be insanely rich in three years or less. If the midgets are dancing kwasa kwasa, you will be insane in three years or less. If they are dancing paka chini, you will own hens that lay golden eggs.

However, the mother hen will go insane and eat one of your car tyres one day. If the midgets are dancing in a dark, tropical jungle and are painted in swashes of red, yellow and green, then you smoked before going to bed. Don’t smoke before going to bed.

How to be broke at work

How does one get through difficult financial times? How should you deal when you are broke? Crying doesn’t help. Wailing will only bring the inquisitive gatekeeper to your bedroom window. I know it is still early in the month so you won’t need much of the advice I’ve spent these past three years collecting. The beauty of this is that in the digital age, you can bookmark this page or you could just keep the newspaper till later this month when you are stone broke and can re-read some of these priceless tips that only years of pain-staking research can produce. So how should you deal when you are broke?


The first meal at work is usually an indicator of how things are down south. ‘Down south’ being your wallet my friend. Yes, even you my lady friend. You do have a wallet too no? Good leather, burgundy in color, five zips in places you can’t reach and two pictures of smiley kids in them. But it will be empty at month-end. Yet, at breakfast, the people you work with are doing not-so-silent justice to pieces of pizza (that’s not counting Buyos who’s silently munching what looks like cold Matooke. Let’s leave him out of this). So how do you deal? Well remember how you’ve always wanted Jane to explain to you what Legacy Loans are? Now is a good time to ask. Walk over and ask away and while the conversation flows naturally, let your hand, just as naturally, reach into whatever she’s having for breakfast. Do not break eye contact-doing so is considered rude in many cultures. Why would you want to be rude to someone taking off time to give you information? Have your poker face on during the entire act. Eat to your fill then ‘receive a call from your other business partner in Shanghai’, pick it up and walk away.


With the advent of a health-conscious generation, there is no harm in jumping on the bandwagon when it suits you. Leave several tabs on your computer open whenever someone approaches your desk. Anyone within a ten meter radius of your workstation should only see you reading articles like; ‘Fitness. Fit life’, ‘Live like a health freak today. Or just a freak. Or just a health freak’, ‘Exercise. Diet. Good life’. Then at lunch say you are on a diet.

Published on Sunday, May 13,   2012