Monthly Archives: February 2012

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History of Jazz Music

Many times you find yourself surrounded by jazz music. The stuff sophisticated people are force-fed right after weaning. You often wonder, where did this music come from? Why can’t we do paka chini to it? Why do people stare when I try to bump and grind when it is playing? What is wrong with doing the moonwalk while it plays? Today, I’ll attempt to give you a deeper understanding of this music.

In eighteen century England, during heavy revolts where people would burn down houses and loot shops, kings used to send out jazz musicians to quell the rioters. Jazz musicians were respected and feared. They were held in the same esteem as soldiers. Jazz instruments were weapons. Rioters would listen to the music, calm down and start buying lollipops for each other.

Stories abound of many a lonely traveler who was attacked by armed robbers and just as they were about to pounce on him and relieve him of all his earthly possessions (for lonely travelers in all credible stories, like this one, travel with all their earthly possessions)…just as the robbers were about to relieve him of all his possessions, instead of saying the proverbial “Do you know who I am?”, he would instead calmly warn them,

“I’ll reach for my saxophone”

And just like that, the robbers would pause and make eye contact with each other. Using robber eye language, they’d ask each other,

“Do you think he really has a saxophone? Should we risk it?”

The physically smaller robber would choose not to risk it. The bigger one would usually insist and move to take the lonely traveler’s goat. The lonely traveler would withdraw his saxophone and it’d gleam in the night light. A small gasp would escape the robbers. They’d piss their pants and start to retreat.

“Don’t harm us sir. Please. Do. not. Harm. Us”

They’d back off and run to their mummies. That is the power of jazz music wielded back then.

Several homesteads didn’t need guard dogs. All a wealthy man had to do back then was to have a gramophone blaring mellow jazz tunes all night long and he’d be guaranteed his property was intact. This is how jazz music came to be called safe music.

Published on February 26, 2012

How to choose what to order

Many times you go to a restaurant and take ages making your mind up on what to have. This guide is to help you through those troubling situations.

Baby squid

If you order this, you need to be patient because making it takes a bit of time. First, the chef has to find a hapless mother squid that’s unable to take care of all its children. Since mother squids are not too keen on giving their children up for adoption, getting a ‘yes’ naturally takes a bit of coercion. Negotiation skills are key. It is because of this that five-star hotels always insist that the head chef should have top notch negotiation skills. To test this, applicants for the job of chef are usually put in a real-life situation where they have to negotiate their way out; someone wants to jump off a building, chef applicant is called. Hostage situation in Kireka, chef applicant is called. But I digress.

Having persuaded the squid to give up at least one of its children, the chef chooses the chubby one, gets it and flees before the mother changes her mind. He then heads back to the kitchen and proceeds to split the squid open and prepare your meal. All this time you’ll be watching soccer highlights on Super Sport and saying funny things to your date.

Zucchini Casserole  

If you see this on the menu and immediately assume that this dish has a few nsenene in it, you are wrong. You are also slightly dazed but let’s not dwell on that. If you order this on the menu, be prepared to wait a while for it. Thing is, Zucchini casseroles were developed by Soprano Zucchinni in 1865 in Milan, Italy. He owns the dish. For anyone else to make this dish in the world, they have to send his great great great grandchild written mail asking for permission. Zucchini Junior then reads your request and thinks about it. if you find favour in his eyes, he replies and tells you to go ahead and prepare the meal. All this is done after you’ve ordered. Naturally, this takes a bit of time so many chefs around the world find it easier to send a friend request to Zucchini Junior on Facebook and hope he accepts it. If he does, approval can be sought online.

Published on February 19, 2012

Hello Who Is This?

Many times in your phone-owning days, you’ll get one of those calls where as soon as you pick up, the person on the other end asks you who you are. The odd thing is that many times in such scenarios, if you are lucky, the caller insists that you are the person they’d called to speak to.

“But Lovinsi, why are you changing your voice? I know it is you…”

If you aren’t so lucky, there’ll go off in one of those languages you only hear when channel-hopping on radio.

Rather than hurl your Galaxy tab at the innocent cat peacefully licking its bollocks in the corner of your room, here are a few well –researched tips on what to say to the person on the other end of the line.  Since this column is all for being nice to everyone, the tips are biased towards being pleasant to the caller. Instead of wasting their hard-earned airtime, help the caller identify who you are. Give hints.

 Tell the caller what you look like.

“I am very tall and have seven digits on my left hand.”

Tell them who you aren’t.

“I am not Ghandi. I’m not Hitler. I am not a belly dancer even. I tried twice but that didn’t end too well”

Narrow down their options. Tell them what you do

“By day, I am a student. By night however, I prowl the city, walking old ladies across the street, karate chopping suspicious-looking people, fighting for the rights of taxi passengers to get all their change from conductors and nudging taxi drivers who don’t stop when the passengers ask them to.”

Give them even more details

“I have a scar on my pinky that I got while refereeing dog fights when I was five. One of the dogs attacked me because I called a foul and it didn’t entirely agree with my decision”

Do imitations

“This is my impression of George Bush giving a speech and then ducking when he notices a shoe moving towards his face.” Pause a bit then proceed to do the impression

Tell them about your phone

“I am currently speaking to you with a Nokia 1234. My last phone was stolen by a boda guy who rode by while I was speaking to my pastor. Can you believe it? The nerve of those people!”

Published on February 12, 2012


How to be a great soccer player

The African Cup of Nations, the one we cried about last year, is currently going on. Without us. The nerve of those people.  But you may be one of those people who do not know so much about soccer. You watch people running around and wonder what’s going on. Your friends generally avoid you when going to watch games because you’ll be that person asking “Is that Bill Clinton in shirt number five?”

This has to end. You can’t be that person anymore. It is time you learnt how to play amazing soccer. For one, you’ll become famous. Also, you’ll earn a lot of money. Follow these tips and you’ll become a soccer star in no time. I’d want to take a bit of the credit whenever those fast-speaking show hosts shove microphones in your face and ask you how you became such a star. This column is for everyone, so even you young lady can become a soccer star by following the tips below.


From the time you read that word above, start to hurl your feet at everything in sight. Soccer is about footwork so your feet have to be constantly at work. “What your eyes see, foot kicks”


The greatest soccer stars have all shown the highest levels of resilience ever seen in humans. So wake up every morning and jog to town and back. This tip applies even to you young lady. And it doesn’t matter where you live; the further away from town, the better a soccer player you’ll be eventually. If you live in Seeta for example, you’ll blossom into a Messi. If you live at Constitutional Square, you may never get past playing for the soccer team of your parish. Move house.


An integral part of playing soccer is celebrating goals because let’s face it, you probably won’t become a great soccer star by standing on pitch and looking pretty; you’ll have to score goals. When you eventually score, you have to celebrate. To train for this, show-up at different night spots in town at least three nights a week and party hard. Shout. Scream. Dance on tables (this will strengthen your calf muscles).

Do these for now. We’ll cover more as AFCON progresses.

Published on  February 5, 2012

Love is going to be in the air soon

Valentines is around the corner and several men are breaking out in a sweat. Nights at bars are being spent going over what would be a great gift for their significant other. Every time you walk into a bar and find men huddled around speaking in hushed tones and lowering their voices whenever you draw near, they are not talking about soccer or politics. Or soccer politics even. They are simply going over the different gifts they could get for their special person this Valentines. Katongole will suggest that they could buy aprons since their spouses like to cook. Jason will suggest that since his special person is always complaining about how the gadgets at home always seem to malfunction, a screwdriver set would be a practical gift.

Friend, I’ll save you the trouble. My time on the internet is not for nothing. I present practical gifts that will make your special person’s heart pop. In a good way.

Life-sized effigy of her favorite politician

If your special person is into politics and you’ve seen how her eyes light-up whenever the TV cameras turn to a particular politician, this gift is perfect. Get a good shot of the politician, go to Katwe and have an effigy made. Since it is two weeks to D-day and the global effigy-production manual clearly states that it takes eight days to make one, you are in luck. Put the newspaper down right now and run to Katwe. Run, don’t walk since we’ve seen images on TV about what will happen to you if you walk. Or first read the rest of the article and decide what gift suits her best.

Bulletproof vest

If your special person uses the streets of Kampala, this gift is ideal. It may be a bit pricy and my internet source wasn’t able to specify where one can get it locally but if you really love her, this is an ideal gift. You’ve seen news reports about what people are doing with guns out there. Keep her safe. She can wear it whenever she wears a dress. I don’t think a bulletproof vest can fit under a tiny top but the jury’s still out.

Published on January 29, 2012