The dark ages are upon us. Run for the hills. That would work if the hills weren’t covered in darkness too. To avoid going home to a dark house and the sounds of mice playing hide and seek in the bathroom, the recent power cuts have us staying at work longer and subsequently watching soaps we didn’t intend to.
The natural impulse is to throw a tantrum, wail, hurl a few objects at government vehicles and kick the cat. Resist every such impulse. This column is all about non-violence; let peace, love and all frilly things reign. Here is a guide on what to do with those hours of darkness that the energy-generating body has been benevolent enough to grant you:
Gather everyone in the house, hold hands and after a five minute humming session, begin to tell scary stories. A prize should be given to anyone who gets the rest to scream
Talk to the neighbors
You neighbours are also feeling the pinch of the power issues. Lend them your extra candles. If they are the mean type this column has spoken of before, put laxatives in the food they feed their gold fish.
Watch a movie
Believe it or not, I read on the internet that that Samsung tablet of yours can do way more than send text messages. (Insert pause for you to gasp). Switch it on, place it on that fancy glass table of yours and re-watch ‘Gone with the Wind’. Or ‘Passing Wind’. Basically watch whichever version the guy who pirates movies for you hands over.
Get a ninja costume. Wear it. First prance about in the sitting room, practicing your moves, complete with battle cries and somersaults. This suggestion assumes that you have a ninja costume, a living room and that you can somersault. Some guidelines are in order in case some of this isn’t correct for you. Jjaja Abdu in the new taxi park, better known for selling amazing gomesis, secretly sells ninja costumes. Go get one. There are several YouTube videos on how to somersault. You may find a few with me in them giving detailed instructions. Watch them till your eyes start to tear. Finally, use the tuft of grass outside your house for practice
Get a dog to jog around with whenever the power goes back to Jinja. As soon as the power starts it long trip to the East, pull on your sneakers, put that headband on, push some angry rock music into your iPod, put a leash on your poodle and start a leisurely jog around your neighborhood. Take time to wave cheerfully at anyone who looks at you for more than three seconds.
Use this time to do some personal hygiene things you cannot do when the lights are on. Like removal of boogers