Monthly Archives: November 2011

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Coping With Powerlessness

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The dark ages are upon us. Run for the hills. That would work if the hills weren’t covered in darkness too. To avoid going home to a dark house and the sounds of mice playing hide and seek in the bathroom, the recent power cuts have us staying at work longer and subsequently watching soaps we didn’t intend to.

The natural impulse is to throw a tantrum, wail, hurl a few objects at government vehicles and kick the cat. Resist every such impulse. This column is all about non-violence; let peace, love and all frilly things reign. Here is a guide on what to do with those hours of darkness that the energy-generating body has been benevolent enough to grant you:

 Story telling

Gather everyone in the house, hold hands and after a five minute humming session, begin to tell scary stories. A prize should be given to anyone who gets the rest to scream

 Talk to the neighbors

You neighbours are also feeling the pinch of the power issues. Lend them your extra candles. If they are the mean type this column has spoken of before, put laxatives in the food they feed their gold fish.

 Watch a movie

Believe it or not, I read on the internet that that Samsung tablet of yours can do way more than send text messages. (Insert pause for you to gasp). Switch it on, place it on that fancy glass table of yours and re-watch ‘Gone with the Wind’. Or ‘Passing Wind’. Basically watch whichever version the guy who pirates movies for you hands over.

 Ninja

Get a ninja costume. Wear it. First prance about in the sitting room, practicing your moves, complete with battle cries and somersaults. This suggestion assumes that you have a ninja costume, a living room and that you can somersault. Some guidelines are in order in case some of this isn’t correct for you. Jjaja Abdu in the new taxi park, better known for selling amazing gomesis, secretly sells ninja costumes. Go get one. There are several YouTube videos on how to somersault.  You may find a few with me in them giving detailed instructions. Watch them till your eyes start to tear. Finally, use the tuft of grass outside your house for practice

 Jog

Get a dog to jog around with whenever the power goes back to Jinja.  As soon as the power starts it long trip to the East, pull on your sneakers, put that headband on, push some angry rock music into your iPod, put a leash on your poodle and start a leisurely jog around your neighborhood. Take time to wave cheerfully at anyone who looks at you for more than three seconds.

Introspection

Use this time to do some personal hygiene things you cannot do when the lights are on. Like removal of boogers

Published on November 20, 2011 

The Measure Of A Good Neighbour

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You may be one of those people who think that they do not have cool neighbors. You silently wish for better neighbors to move in, or for the current ones to become cooler.  I am here to inform you of how good you have it. Is your neighbor good? Take this simple test and find out.

Cat

If your neighbor loves cats and she specifically instructs her cat to shit on your doorstep every other day of the week, then you have a bad neighbor. By ‘every other day’ I mean Monday, Wednesday and Friday. The rest of the days the furry creature is probably holding it in for the next day’s work. If you don’t relate with this, then your neighbor isn’t so bad.

Music

If your neighbor is trying to get lucky with the opposite sex by going the long way about it- learning to play an instrument-then they are a bad neighbor. If they are the type who practices the said instrument after work and they also wake up at 5:00 AM to upload uncoordinated sounds out of a piano and into your bedroom, you have a bad neighbor.

Parties

If your neighbor is the type who has parties every fortnight and has several people over, these people get heavily intoxicated and regurgitate their innards on your verandah, then you have a bad neighbor. If also, you are never invited to any of these parties, you have reason to resent him/her.

Some sugar

We are all saintly souls with halos over our heads. But if your neighbor is the type that comes over to ask for ‘a spoon of sugar’ three times a week and takes the whole bowl each time, you have a bad neighbor. If on any of these occasions, they return sipping a cup of tea five minutes after walking off with the bowl and say how their tea isn’t sweet enough, they aren’t to be trusted.

Narcotics

If your neighbor is always trying to sell you stuff that looks like cigarettes, but doesn’t quite smell like them, you may need to move before the police comes knocking.

Newspapers

If your neighbors passport photo has appeared in the newspapers with words akin to “This company would like to clearly and unequivocally denounce any ties to the person whose picture appears here. He is not our employee…”, then you have a bad neighbor.

Beasts

If your neighbor has been in the news for having been caught getting jiggy with livestock, you need to move.

Published on November 13, 2011

This is what the real world looks like

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The moment you are done with school and you finally put your small bundle of books neatly away (we all know that we burn our books after school but this column is parent-sensitive). Yes, after school, one usually neatly puts away the bundle of books that has seen them through the exams. The young person in question usually starts to think about looking for a job. All adults at this point in time tell that person “Welcome to the real world”. Many a friend have wondered what ‘The real world’ is. Wonder no more. I present to you, in broad daylight, what adults mean whenever they use that phrase.

Taxi Conductors

When you were still school, you were young and you looked so innocent. Taxi conductors would give you all your change back. You are not in school anymore. ‘The real world’ means that when you give a taxi conductor money, he will take Shs500 more than he ought to. Get used to it. Or learn how to let out a battle cry so loud and vile, he hurls your money at you and begs for forgiveness while screaming at the taxi driver to speed off. You may want to watch Shaka Zulu three times to get this right.

Club entrance fee

You can no longer be at Club entrances before midnight to be let in for free. In the ‘real world’, you always pay to enter a club. If you ask a girl to come along and she comes with seven of her friends, you have to pay for them too.

Landlords

Back in school, you could throw tantrums and lock yourself in your room because your parents refused to buy you the latest Barbie doll. You’d refuse to eat food till they came cooing at your door, tail between their legs, Barbie doll in hand. In the ‘real world’, you answer to a landlord. You have to pay him/her a hefty sum of money every month and hide your vehicle lest he/she gets tempted to increase the rent. You also can only refuse to eat when there’s no money for food. The finances decide when you’ll eat and when you’ll paint colorful images of food in your mind and go to sleep.

Crime

That student identity card you used to whip out whenever stopped by the police is of no use anymore. Back then, in the random event that you did bad things punishable by law, chances are you’d end up in some juvenile detention center. In the ‘real world’, you’ll end up in a real jail cell with murderers, pedophiles, goat thieves and people-who-didn’t-do-it.

 Published on October 30, 2011