This is the very first article published by The Sunday Vision in what eventually became my weekly column, ‘By The Way’. I hope you enjoy it
My incisive research and extensive interaction with human resource executives both locally in their air-conditioned offices, and globally on the internet in my Gmail account have given me deep insights on how to make a very productive company. Because I do not want to be lonely at the top, I will share these insights with you so you too can take your company to the next level. Here are some tips on how to make your company become like Google.
Roll-call:
At 0800hrs every morning, a stern individual should go from desk to desk checking to see who is present and who is not. Those present should place their thumbprint next to their name and also breathe into a tube-like gadget (to pick-up on those who came in straight from the bar). Anyone who isn’t at his/her desk at the time of the roll-call will find their chair missing. They will have to work while standing that day.
Bonding:
There should be a group hug after lunch, while singing Oh when the saints. Those who do not know the words to the song will be allowed to sing a Justin Bieber song they so choose
Science fair:
There will be an annual science fair during which employees showcase fascinating stuff they made on their own using random household items. Annual bonuses and promotions should be based on one’s position in this fair.
Event Sponsorship:
For brand visibility, the company should sponsor at least one awesome event a year. The company can choose to bring an international artiste to town,or give money to the annual Uganda national beauty queen contest.The money for the sponsorship should come directly from the employees. A pretty lady in a yellow dress should go from desk to desk with a brown envelope collecting contributions from employees, stopping only to announce what each one has put it. “Shs200,000 from Mr Okello” (round of applause)
“Mr Kakoma has said I come back tomorrow. That today he has only transport.”
Those who do not contribute should be subjected to disciplinary action and money deducted from their monthly salary.
Water dispenser etiquette:
Employees should not be allowed to stand near the water dispenser for more than three consecutive minutes. If one wishes to be near the said dispenser for more than that time, he/she should ask for permission, in writing, from the boss. A dispenser chit will be given to the requester and a timeframe specified.
Social networking:
It should be company policy that on joining the company, the first course of action is to send the boss a friend request. That done, the employee will then be required to send an e-mail to that boss with details on what lol, rotflmao, hehe and lbft mean.