How to dodge a pothole

Merrily driving along what we use as roads in Kampala, you will tunnel down many a pothole. For you who drink coffee while driving to work, this may cause your drink to spill on the lower half of your body. This is not a good thing seeing as coffee, assuming it was not made in China, is hot. It may scald you and subsequently turn you into a ball of curse words. A day can only go downhill from there. And to think it all went under when you tunneled down a pothole. This is where this column rides in on a unicorn, or on a boda boda if you will, to save you. Now would be a good time to play victory music and usher in overzealous, smiley queen dancers

How can you avoid the elephant that is the Ugandan pothole? How do you thwart its well-laid plans to ruin your day and your life in general? How do you wag the proverbial finger in its face and say “No, no no, no”? How do you stick out your tongue and make faces at it till it feels compelled to shrink in size? How do you roll on the carpeted floor laughing at it till it gathers its offspring and moves to a small village path where the villagers who tunnel down it aren’t carrying coffee? This columnist, dear reader, visited and communed with several potholes to come up with a comprehensive guide for you. It was a dirty and unpleasant job but incisive, paradigm-shift-causing articles like this one require that level of research and dedication.

First things first, when you spot the pothole from a distance, begin by telling yourself that you are its boss. Chant this every few seconds as the distance between you two reduces. This amazing technique serves the dual purpose of waking up your brain as well as releasing endorphins that kick in in normal human beings when they realize that they are lord of something. It also has a bonus side effect of making you aspire to be a boss. Research hasn’t yet revealed what the technique does for bosses

Second, when you get to the pothole, take a deep breath-the kind you take when going underwater and you are uncertain about how long it’ll be before you come up for air. We will pick up from here next week.