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How to prepare ornate mashes potatoes

This column has pushed into this world so many great recipes that have gone on to be used by millions worldwide to create sumptuous, belly-turning meals. Fingers have been licked clean, plates thoroughly wiped and entire neighbourhoods filled with glorious aromas. I wish I was making this stuff up as I type but all of it is true; I have bags of fan mail to show.

So in the same spirit of causing discomfort from having eaten too much, I bring you yet another well-researched, heavily-unique dish. My very dedicated team of connoisseurs scours the globe to come up with amazing dishes that will make your pallet do backflips and a one eighty. I’m sure you know what a one eighty is.

With all that ado out of the way, today we prepare Ornate Mashed potatoes. This dish has its origins in Shichido province, Japan. It is what the ninjas used to eat before going out to kick butt and do espionage.
Ingredients: Potatoes, knife

1. The knife really isn’t an ingredient but I run out of white-wash. And you know these typewriters.
2. Pick your potatoes. Pick as many as you plan to eat.
3. Peel the potatoes with the knife I couldn’t white-wash out of this guide
4. Using haiken mitsuruki style, karate smash the potatoes by ramming your fist into them with all the might in your upper body. This is how the ninjas used to do it
5. If all that didn’t mash the potatoes, walk a small distance away, come running, jump and put all your weight on them.

6. If that didn’t work, get a chair, stand on it, jump down and with all the might in the lower half of your body , stomp on the potatoes.

7. If that fails, pick a hammer from Punjat Hardware shop five hundred meters away, run back home and drive it into those hard-core potatoes that have refused to mash despite all the other methods we’ve used
8. If that fails, this meal isn’t for you. Boil water, put tea leaves in it, add a few spoons of sugar and sip that.

9. If you managed to smash the potatoes using any of the methods above, let’s proceed. Step eight wasn’t for you
10. Put the potatoes in boiling water. Add onions.

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