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Love is going to be in the air soon

Valentines is around the corner and several men are breaking out in a sweat. Nights at bars are being spent going over what would be a great gift for their significant other. Every time you walk into a bar and find men huddled around speaking in hushed tones and lowering their voices whenever you draw near, they are not talking about soccer or politics. Or soccer politics even. They are simply going over the different gifts they could get for their special person this Valentines. Katongole will suggest that they could buy aprons since their spouses like to cook. Jason will suggest that since his special person is always complaining about how the gadgets at home always seem to malfunction, a screwdriver set would be a practical gift.

Friend, I’ll save you the trouble. My time on the internet is not for nothing. I present practical gifts that will make your special person’s heart pop. In a good way.

Life-sized effigy of her favorite politician

If your special person is into politics and you’ve seen how her eyes light-up whenever the TV cameras turn to a particular politician, this gift is perfect. Get a good shot of the politician, go to Katwe and have an effigy made. Since it is two weeks to D-day and the global effigy-production manual clearly states that it takes eight days to make one, you are in luck. Put the newspaper down right now and run to Katwe. Run, don’t walk since we’ve seen images on TV about what will happen to you if you walk. Or first read the rest of the article and decide what gift suits her best.

Bulletproof vest

If your special person uses the streets of Kampala, this gift is ideal. It may be a bit pricy and my internet source wasn’t able to specify where one can get it locally but if you really love her, this is an ideal gift. You’ve seen news reports about what people are doing with guns out there. Keep her safe. She can wear it whenever she wears a dress. I don’t think a bulletproof vest can fit under a tiny top but the jury’s still out.

Published on January 29, 2012

Dealing With Love

This column is all about suggesting, sometimes in strong terms, practical ways of making your life better. And easier. And making you that person that people’s eyes brighten around, not because of the copious amounts of alcohol they’ve been chugging down but because of how people are fascinated by your company. Taxi drivers, the butcher, boda boda riders, your boss, your lecturer…they all involuntarily lean in when you take a seat next to them and eat up everything you say.

So to further this agenda, the writer of this column is going to talk about love. He also knows only too well that you did all kinds of justice to more than generous portions of fruits, vegetables and all kinds of unhealthy food during the last two weeks. So much as love is the general topic today, in particular, he is going to talk about love handles. If probed further, he’d reveal that he’s actually going to deal with how to get rid of the love handles you developed over the last two weeks.

For those not well-versed in matters of the gut, love handles are those bits of extra flesh we now all have at the side of our belly. All websites I visited insisted that one has to go to the gym to get rid of them. I’d hoped for a less strenuous solution, like staring intently at people working out on TV, but nature is rather cruel.

So yes, a trip to the gym is what we all need this month. Now I’m told gyms have a very strict dress code and code of conduct. For one, you cannot just show up in a suit no matter who you are. Many of my friends who are lawyers have shown up in those nice, fitting suits that lawyers wear, ready to sweat it out only to be turned away at the door. I feel their pain. I’m all for ‘wear-what-you-want-to-the-gym’. I think that with the attitude that these people who turn away those in suits, our beloved country will never see development. What happened to love, care, tolerance, acceptance and then sniggering behind people’s backs after? Why should a man/woman, after a long, hard day (or even one spent chewing gum and sticking the over-chewed pieces under workmates’ desks) at work be turned away when they get to the gym just because of what they are wearing? I think gyms do not care about love in general and love handles in particular.

 Published on January 8, 2012