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Questions To Ask In A Job Interview

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Many times in my life I have found myself sweating behind the ears because of an impending job interview. You spend the night up memorizing all these nice things to say to ensure you get the job. It is a very trying time I tell you. Throughout this hard situation, no one takes time off to think about the interviewer. He/she too is probably in some house in Kampala tossing and turning in bed, wondering what questions to ask to ensure that the best person is picked for the job. I am here to help that interviewer get some sleep. I present top-notch questions to throw at the interviewee.

Interview question: If you were in a jungle and a hungry lion attacked you, what would you do?

Possible answer one: I would run

Analysis:  This person will make a wimp for an employee. Do not hire him/her unless you are the kind of company that prides itself in having spineless, hen-pecked employees. Such a workforce is especially useful if your company thrives on working employees like horses on steroids and paying them with cowrie shells.

Possible answer two: Stand and fight it

Analysis: This person will be a liar at work. Do not hire him/her. This is the kind of person who’ll migrate office furniture to his/her home and relocate that TV in your company boardroom to his bedroom. Six months after hiring him/her, your office will have no spoons, forks, staples, door knobs and in extreme cases, doors. This employee is the kind that will fail to deliver a very crucial tender document in time and on being asked why he/she didn’t deliver, the answer will be that he was abducted by an irate mob from Kireka and held hostage for the entire weekend. Needless to say, the irate mob stole the finished tender document and formatted the hard disk that had the soft copy. Only hire this person if you plan to sell the company to a politician in the near future.

Interview question: Can you play a guitar?

Guitar-playing skills are very useful at work especially after lunch when morale is low and everyone is asleep. My apologies, not everyone sleeps at work after lunch. After lunch at work, everyone is asleep …except the boss.  The boss leaves for a massage at the spa next door. It is not possible to sleep during a massage after lunch, I have been told as much.

Possible answer one: No, I can’t play a guitar

Analysis: This person would make a useless employee, only good for finishing company sugar by taking too many cups of tea and then taking sugar home wrapped in company headed paper. Hire him/her at your own risk.

Published on 23 October, 2011

How To Gracefully Lay Off an Employee

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I have heard of how companies lay off employees and I think there are better ways of doing it. Much as the people behind the layoffs, the ones in Human Resource, have several degrees under their belts, I have spent several hours on the internet to back my findings. You cannot contest internet findings. It is important that I share these tips on how to lay off an employee because generosity is the key to wealth. And I want to be wealthy. So, here are the tips.

Unfriending

In this column, I’ve shared top tips on how to run an organization before. I revealed that when someone first joins an organization, it should be company policy that he/she sends a friend request to his/her boss. Now to lay them off, no need to call them for ‘the talk’. All the boss laying off the employee has to do is unfriend the employee. They’ll be glad that you didn’t feed them the cliché, “This hurts us more than it hurts you…” On noticing that they’ve been unfriended, the employee should pack up and leave.

Singing

The entire Human Resource force should show up at the employee’s desk just before lunch and break into song.

“You…have been laid off. Fired. Retired. Laid off” (repeat till fade)

This requires a human resource team with great voices and one of them ought to be able to play a guitar, preferably the Human Resource manager. The upside of this method is that the employee will leave the company happy, singing along to the catchy lay-off song.

No desk

This method will require Human Resource to send in the cleaners over the weekend. When the employee shows up on Monday, he/she should have no desk. Everyone should be instructed to stare at their computers and whistle if the fired employee attempts to make conversation with them. Anyone who makes conversation with the black sheep will find their desk missing the next Monday. This method is effective since it eliminates the need for embarrassing eye contact with workmates when you’ve been fired. The employee will also be grateful that you didn’t publish their passport photo in a leading daily.

Public Address System

This will require a bit of monetary input from Human Resource. Have you seen those trucks with speakers and guys with unwashed dreadlocks that go around announcing album launches? If, like the rest of us, you live in normal areas then you have seen them. Kololo doesn’t have them though. So, Human Resource should hire one of these trucks to go park outside the home of the fired employee and inform them of their newly-acquired freedom. The beauty of this method is you save the employee the stress of getting to work that day. He/she will be grateful that you helped them save transport money that day.

Published on October 16, 2011