Several times in life, you’ll find yourself in a situation where you may take something said to you literally. This guide is of save you from the tones of embarrassment these situations come with.
Let me come back
The first time I heard this phrase being used, I was only a child. I actually sat and waited for my uncle who’d used it to come back. I’ve since grown to learn that it says that the person is going to get up, go buy some roast maize by the roadside, walk down to the taxi stage, give the conductor two hundred shillings less than the agreed-upon fare, argue about it, almost fight about it, pay the rest of the money grudgingly, alight, walk home, not shower, watch a soap, tire, get into bed and sleep. Don’t wait for them
I was at a bar last night and got a little bit tipsy
This means my friend was paying for the drinks so I took a little too much, got excited, picked up a wheel barrow from the back of the bar and started offering free rides in it to everyone in the bar. I then offered to donate the clothes I was wearing to charity. Charity, I was later told, is a girl I met at the bar. She turned them, and me, down. She even turned down the wheelbarrow ride.
I was a great soccer player in school and could have made the national team
This basically means I used to be in the stands cheering the soccer team with all the decibels I could manage. If ever the entire school suffered from food poisoning and they all couldn’t leave their beds, including the cooks, I’d have had a chance to play for the soccer team.
Let me come back in two minutes
This means set your watch back by an hour and two minutes, go visit your ailing goats, check their fecal matter and from your expert analysis, send your report to their veterinary doctor. The worried doctor will show up and force-feed the poor goats some herbal medicine. When that’s done, go back and meet the person ‘two minutes’ later
I don’t drink
This phrase can be completed by adding ‘…when people are watching’.