Monthly Archives: August 2012

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How to react to Jazz music

Jazz music is around us all the time and the untrained are always stumped on what to do when it is playing. I used my spare time last week to interview jazz enthusiasts to try and get tips on what one ought to do when suddenly surrounded by jazz. This can happen anywhere. At the jazz safari. In a taxi. In a restaurant. On a boda boda. You need to know how to react. Since this column is all about elevating the way you live, here are the tips.

Do not try to do paka chini
You may own the sturdiest pair of legs in the room but jazz music does not present you with an opportunity to show them off. Sad, I know, but true. Instead, nod your head sagely, whip out your phone and type furiously. Doesn’t matter what you are typing; just hold the phone in an iron grip and concentrate till beads of sweat form on your forehead.

Stay calm
Shouting when jazz is playing is generally a faux pas; do not say anything in any tone you have heard a politician use. Speak as though you are being paid per word saved.

Close your eyes
Encourage everyone around you to close their eyes. Stand up and make an announcement if you have to. “Hey guys, like I totally dig this song so shush! Close your eyes and hum with me”

Sing along
For you who loves to form a fist and sing into it when Bieber is doing his thing on your radio station of choice, you are in for a disappointment with jazz. Enthusiasts speak strongly against holding your chest, getting on your knees and mouthing out the words. Humming is acceptable but only at certain decibels.

When a jazz song you like starts playing, call that person you are gaga about and don’t say a word; just put the phone next to the radio speaker. This might be a bit of a challenge if you are in a taxi and you are in that seat at the back but as David Tumusiime, the one who writes Taxi tales, will tell you, big tings a gwan. This, in English, means ask for faasi till you get to the speaker

How to be a great public speaker

This column always explores ways to make you a better citizen. We have spoken at length about the effects walking has on the environment; we have encouraged you to tiptoe instead. We also presented research from a top research institution showing how bad it is to speak audibly.

The decibels produced, especially when speaking nonsense, have an adverse effect on the audio-sensory system of pink whales. We all love pink wales. The weight of pink wales counterbalances the pull of gravity; without them, the earth and would be drawn to the sun for a hug and we’d all die from the resulting heat.

Did you just see that hidden double-entendree thing? That is because it is a hug. There’s heat. But it’s the sun. So there is heat. Double entendree. Ok. So today we give you more tips on how to be an amazing public speaker. Note the ‘L’ after the ‘B’ in the word ‘public’; without it I would be facing a long time in jail for something or the other. English is frail like that. How to be an amazing public speaker:

Tone to use
There is the tone that Samuel L. Jackson uses when he is just about to send a few lead pellets into a bad guy’s system. Then there is the tone that Batman uses when he is ordering for a burger. The tone you should use when giving a speech is a pregnant mix of both.

Walk onto the stage like the floor is made of cotton candy and you are being pursued by a pack of rabid tigers.

Much as a speech is about what you say, people are visual creatures. Care what you wear. That even rhymes. Write it down and recite it every day. For your speech to be memorable, you need to wear something red. This is the secret behind that thin red tie all US presidents wear when addressing the nation about important matters.

This is not to say that sometimes they address the nation about un-important matters. I’m also not suggesting that it is the same red tie, left behind when the president leaves office. It is a possibility but I’m not even suggesting it.

Go be a great public speaker.

Surving at the ATM machine

Several times we find ourselves waiting in line at an ATM because the person who went in before us is taking forever to get out. Much as we usually while the time away by whipping out our phone to read or by whistling the latest ballad from Drake, we are usually fighting the urge to ram through the door and find out why the person’s taking forever.

The International ATM bible this writer referred to while creating this article clearly stated that ATM use ought to take no more than two minutes. To address all the ATM-queue-induced anger going round (and do my bit in calming the nation), I present to you possible reasons for their delay:

1.They were captured by aliens and held for interrogation.
2.Their card was swallowed by the ATM machine and they are trying to fit their head into the card slot and tunnel down to wherever it went
3.They wanted to withdraw Shs1 million shillings and the ATM returned coins; they are counting those coins.
4.They actually went in to deposit money; a lot of money. They are inserting note by note into the ATM and waiting for a receipt after each insertion.
5.They carried along a picnic basket in case a bout of hunger hit them while in there…and hunger hit them. They have spread out a mat on the floor and they are slowly doing justice to pineapples and mangoes.
6.It suddenly hit them how cool MC Hammer’s dance moves were so they are practicing
7.They have called into a radio station and they are sending greetings; they will probably send greetings to all people waiting to use the ATM. Consider yourself lucky-you are going to receive greetings on radio! How exciting is that? Don’t answer that.

This writer has done over two decades under the scorching sun, smiling at strangers, helping old ladies across the street but still hasn’t received greetings on radio and yet there you are. In the queue. Going to receive greetings. On radio. Just like that

8.They are on a top-secret mission with Scooby Doo, investigating an ATM scam orchestrated by Nigerians posing as actual ATM machines then running away as soon as you insert your card and type your PIN