Late last month, the country was turned upside down as parliament looked for goats. No, really. Parliamentarians, those of ill-fitting off-colour suits and with a randy affair with the English language, took time off their busy shout-each-other hoarse schedules, to go hunting for goats. The Public Accounts Committee probed the theft of 30,000 government goats. Let’s analyse this a bit more. It implies that the government has goats. What does government use these goats for? Let’s look at the possibilities together:
Copious amounts of beef are gobbled in parliament at lunch every day. I have no statistics to back this up but if facts and figures are what get you going, then there’s this pretty section in the newspaper called ‘Facts and figures’. This column doesn’t fall under there yet, thankfully, and it is my goal in life to keep making up statistics to ensure that that unfortunate day never comes.
So, 70 per cent of all food consumed in an average parliamentary seating is beef. This beef, at the time of eating it, formerly belonged to a jolly government goat somewhere. Often times you will hear one parliamentarian say to another, “I have beef for you”. This, dear reader, is a good thing. It is a sign of camaraderie
You may have noticed that all the parliamentary sessions broadcast on radio sound like they were recorded in a park. Not a taxi park. Think game park. This could be because the recording equipment is always faulty. Or that same equipment is tweaked to misrepresent the powers that be. Or rodents had their way with it. Or, and this is where the goats come into the picture, maybe the government goats provide background vocals. Like a backdrop of hums and chants to give the parliamentary sessions character.
Maybe there is an upcoming musician out there who was very inspired by that hit song all those years ago, the one about letting dogs out. He is planning to release a song called “Who let the goats out?”. He has this brilliant idea to shoot the video at a beach; one scene tranquil and peaceful. The next scene would be full of goats running around and causing all kinds of mayhem(or mee-hem). It is at this point that he’d sing the chorus